Here I am doing a blog based on a realization of a fear that I still hold on to, and this fear is the fear of losing my family based on wanting to assist and support another to see their family member. A person had asked me to switch schedules with them for a day at work so that he can go and see his father. Without any elaborate thinking, I quickly said 'yes' because I said to myself, "Hey this is his father; so I have a good excuse for giving him my day off so that he can see his father. This is a physical issue." And so I communicated with my agreement partner on me switching schedules with him for one day, but little did I know that I was confronted with a perspective that is in-fact self-dishonest, and that within me saying 'yes' to the whole ordeal, I would be accepting fear AS myself. What I could've done first is ask if there are any alternate ways / methods that he is able to do to get that day off so me and my agreement partner can do what we had planned for that day. This would be a 'best for all' point rather than going immediately into a 'hospitality' point. So here I'd like to do a blog -- having a look at all of the dimensions wherein I accepted and allowed myself to go into a hospitality point immediately / without question, and using that as a measure of 'excuse' believing that since my co-worker's father has a 'physical' issue, I have to respect the physical, and allow him to see his father that day -- without seeing, realizing, and understanding the existence within me of pity and the desire to help another 'separate' from myself.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have pity for another, and therefore, desire to help another in separation from myself because I fear potential suffering and potential pain that I am projecting to my own dad because if I was in-fact 'stable' within my decision, there would be no pity for another, and I see, realize, and understand that within this pity, that I can never be 'authentic' with my father because of existing within the 'past' -- using pity as a measure of making the past a 'real' as possible without ever facing the 'present' nature of things as what is in-fact 'here' in / as 'reality'.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that it is okay to switch days with my co-worker 'without question' -- because of it being family-oriented and a physical body issue wherein in that moment used the memory of the phrase that the only 'real' thing that exists is physical pain or no pain -- along with the memory of me and my agreement partner communicating about the point that valid assistance and support is when and as someone is in physical pain, therefore, justifying my point of fear and pity to / towards my family / father -- fearing that something will happen to him / them physically -- instead of realizing that when and as existing in fear of something happening to someone, I am projecting that fear constantly and continuously onto that person -- as this 'energy-experience' ripples within and through the conversation / communication with them in the form of 'love' as the fear of 'letting go' of that particular person.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to imagine myself seeing my co-worker at the hospital with his father -- which is a projection -- projecting my relationship to my father / family being in the hospital fearing their death because I accepted and allowed myself to mold and shape myself within / as the image and likeness of my father / family member without questioning the nature / origin of who they are / have become as the mind as 'energy', and so basically within this, I value 'energy' 'more than' the 'hereness' of / as the 'physical'. In addition, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use the physical to justify my 'ego' within / as my imagination -- imagining myself with my dad at the hospital, and then within that, creating an 'energetic relationship' with my father within my own mind without ever knowing, realizing, and understanding the dynamics that creates the energy-experiences that I trusted as the perceived 'expression' of myself and the 'love' that I have for my father guised in / with fear.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to, from thought to imagination, accept and allow myself to trust in and as the simulated reality of my mind to the extent that I voice that simulation with and through words that I have 'energized' and defined as 'who I am' within and as those words -- without taking responsibility for those words in equality and oneness in self-honesty, but instead, form / create the back-chat of "Hey this is his father; so I have a good excuse for giving him my day off so that he can see his father. This is a physical issue." -- because I perceive myself as not being 'equal' to my father, and thus, not being 'equal' to my co-worker, when and as he asked the question about switching days with me so he can spend time with his father. And within this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to allow him to go into a back-chat about his father through feelings of 'love' and 'care' -- when not seeing, realizing, and understanding the equality and oneness nature that we missed, and so within that, create energy-experiences as justifications of us not existing on an equal-and-one level, but instead, on a level of 'abuse' -- wherein we sabotage ourselves to exist in / have 'good feelings' to / towards the other for fear of 'losing' them.
Thought Energy-Relationship Self-Forgiveness:
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create an energy-experience of fear within and as the thought of me switching days with my co-worker so that he can see his dad at the hospital -- using the physical, within blame, to shape my fear into and as a simulated reality wherein I exist within that simulated reality separate from the physical that is 'here' Within this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to super-impose a past experience onto the moment that gave validation to the thought wherein I superimposed his pictured presentation to the pictured-presentation of Daniel Stern, and thus project that image of Daniel Stern onto myself because of connecting Daniel Stern to uncoordination based on his character 'Mary Merchants' being 'less coordinated' that the character Joe Pesci's character: 'Harry Lime', and I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect this experience of me being uncoordinated to when and as I was having a conversation with my Uncle who I believe resembles Joe Pesci -- when and as he informed me that I do not have a lot of common sense to my brother. And so within that moment when my co-worker asked me if I can trade days with him so he can see his step-father, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see myself as 'less than' my agreement partner -- from the perspective that my agreement partner is always correcting me, thus, when and as a particular-specific person asked me for something, I believe that they should be the one's correcting me, therefore, seeing myself 'less than' them instead of directing the situation / experience in equality and oneness 'here' -- and so use this experience to form and create a reaction to this particular experience within polarity friction.
Imagination Energy-Relationship Self-Forgiveness:
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist so long within my imagination that I believe that my imagination is 'real' because I feared my own self within and as my reactions, and so when and as forming / creating an imagination of seeing my co-worker at the hospital with his dad, I accepted and allowed myself to go into a fear about it because of the belief that if I don't 'please him / make him 'happy' by / through giving him my off day so he can see his dad, that he will become mad at me -- not seeing, realizing, and understanding that this particular imagination is fueled by / through reactions of emotions and feelings, and that when and as I react with emotions and feelings from the past -- that I am 'not here', and not existing in equality and oneness with my own mind within and as imagination. Within this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I have to please another based on fearing that that person will get angry based on a past experience with people wherein I succumbed to their reactions of emotions and feelings, and wherein I succumbed to the fear of believing that they will 'shoot' me if I don't go 'against' them, and within this, form / create a fear to them, thus, form / create the character of 'kindness' to keep them within an illusion of 'stability' within positive-energy experiences instead of facing the mind as myself in self-honesty -- which cannot agree with that which is 'real' and physical 'here'.
We'll Continue in the Next Blog....