On April 18th 2012, I took a trip to Los Angeles, California. I didn't do much when I arrived there because my agreement partner and I arrived at night time. The next morning I woke up refreshed, and my agreement partner asked me if I put the food in the refrigerator because we ate some raw food on the airplane. I shook my head from the left to the right, and connected that shaking of the head to it being the answer "no". Thus, she asked me why I didn't say anything. When she then asked me that, I felt some movement inside me as if I am being controlled because within me, I know that I did reply. Thus, I informed her that I did "say" something. My eyes started tearing as an effect from the movement as a mixture of anger, and sorrow -- from the perspective of a point of 'giving up' on myself -- giving up from the perspective of 'giving in' to the polarity of 'right' and 'wrong' -- becoming the manifestation of 'right' and 'wrong' through tears. I felt as though I was being 'wronged' all of my life, and thus the tears were simply a symbol of the 'build-up' that I haven't taking responsibility of stopping -- because the point of allowing myself to go into tears are not real, but simply a point of me as the 'ego' wanting to be 'heard'. Thus, I know within this that I have separated myself from everyone else in order to exist within this point of wanting to be 'heard'. I have not given that to myself, but instead, searched for validation in my life -- validation from other people for my 'personality' to be valid enough to be a 'personality'.
The question is, what have I not given myself? Why do I feel as though I need to be validated through others? It's because I've existed within the polarity of right and wrong to the point that I've compartmentalized every single personality "expression" within a compartment of either that personality expression being 'right' or that personality expression being 'wrong' -- based on how others "express" themselves within their world and reality. I know that within family, this point is really prominent wherein, based on how members of my family associate with me, is how I begin to define myself as a person within this world and reality -- because, for me, family played a big part in the development of my personality.
For instance, I always 'looked up' to one of my family members, and because I 'looked up' to him, I had to perceive myself 'less than' him in order to 'look up' to him, and thus, within this point of 'looking up' to him formed a big part of my personality of how I created the polarity of me existing within/as being 'right' and 'wrong'. This particular family member corrected me many times in my life, for example, when I went over his house without even letting him know beforehand that I was coming over there to spend the night. I took all of his censures as a point of me being 'wrong' because I connected him to Arnold Schwarzenegger based on how I perceived the resemblance of his body to Arnold Schwarzenegger's body. When I was younger, I desired the body of Arnold Schwarzenegger, thus, I saw me as 'less than' him. So within this point formed a domino effect of creating a polarity of compartmentalizing certain personality expressions as 'right' or 'wrong' based on my relationships with people.
Thus, every time that I was reprimanded or 'corrected', I connected that reprehension to Arnold Schwarzenegger's body -- because I perceived my form as 'less than' his, and thus I automatically categorized myself as 'wrong' because my physical form couldn't be equal to his physical form in 'strength' and 'power'. Thus, I used the point of wanting to be 'right' to equalize myself with Arnold Schwarzenegger as a point of power rather than changing my body physically to match that power -- because being 'right' is 'easier', and also holds a particular 'power'. So everyone that I perceived as 'more right' than me (within intelligence), I knew that I could 'perfect' myself intellectually to be 'equal' to them.
I never knew, though, that in order to be 'right' about everything, there will have to exist everything that is 'wrong' which is the whole world, and that which is 'best for all'. Thus, to be 'right' about everything, is in-fact, an abuse of myself and everyone else because 'right' needs 'wrong' to exist, and there are many things in this world that has been justified as 'right' which supports 'war' and 'poverty' -- such as it is the 'right' thing to do to support charities, but the bigger picture says that supporting charities will not change the entire world, but only changes one dimension within the world temporarily -- which allows the source of abuse to continue flourishing -- which is the way the system is structured that allows charities to exist, and the only reason that they exist is because there is something else in the world that forces people to live in poverty -- which is the current monetary system. Thus, the work 'force' is created to 'force' ourselves to do the 'right' thing which is keeping money in our pockets to feed our faces and put clothes on our backs. Thus, this 'rightness' is made 'logical' and becomes the driving point of humanity. Thus, within me wanting to be 'right' I support everything in this world which is 'right' no matter how abusive it is. This is why morality has to be redefined.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to abuse myself to so that I can be 'right' within the world, and thus present an image of 'perfection' instead of 'perfecting' me through self-forgiveness and self-honesty.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to support the ego to be 'perfect' within 'right' and 'wrong' and abdicate myself within that in order to exist within 'good feelings' that I defined as my expression.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect my uncle to Arnold Schwarzenegger because I placed myself 'less than' Arnold Schwarzenegger and thus placed my uncle in a 'more than' position because of the resemblance of form, shape, and color, and thus abuse the form for my own benefit of wanting to make myself 'more than' through the use of the mind within knowledge and information.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create an internal image of weakness in the face of Arnold Schwarzenegger, and thus believe that because of this 'internal image' of weakness, I can never be 'more than'. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to existing wanting to be 'more than' because of the desire to be 'powerful'
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to be 'powerful' as a point of 'competition' -- because I saw everybody else as 'more than' me -- within knowledge and information, and thus desire to make myself 'powerful' in order to exist within the illusion that I am 'more than'. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist within competition as the 'driving force' of my ego where I can 'freely' abuse myself through projecting blame onto another, and thus, use that blame to exist within a state of 'power' because I have not been self-honest about who I really am 'here' within this world and reality, and justify my 'not taking self-responsibility' to 'stop' the friction within me through and within trying to be 'perfect' in separation.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist within an 'internal image' of weakness in the face of my uncle, and thus believe that I can never understand 'common-sense' because I created this internal image of 'weakness' towards my uncle, thus, anything that he says becomes a point that I perceived as 'more than' -- and within that, justify my self-interest as 'ego' through self-pity.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to protect my 'personality' by engineering the illusion as 'rightness' and 'wrongness' within me so that I will never 'stand' as who I am in self-honesty.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to protect my 'personality' by existing within self-pity, and thus use projections of self-pity as 'power' and becoming 'more-than' to cover up the 'pity' that I have as a point of not having what I want as the ego-personality -- which is the 'illusion' of power.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to perceive having 'common-sense' as 'more than' me, thus, exist within wanting to 'establish' common-sense within relationships in my world and reality within being 'honest' and exposing everyone's self-dishonesties indirectly rather than exposing mine as how I have accepted and allowed myself to exist within my world and reality within self-pity, and self-blame.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist within self-blame by CREATING polarity points from judging forms, shapes, and colors, and thus living out the illusion that I am not 'good enough' to take on a point of 'power' as self-here in every moment of breath as 'stability', but rather use polarity to create a 'personality' of power by abusing myself within self-pity.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to perceive myself as 'more than' when I am being 'honest' as a point of forming an 'equilibrium' of what I have accepted and allowed myself to be and become as a symbol of 'weakness' within/as ego
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to perceive 'honesty' as the 'key' to expression rather than looking at the starting point of honesty as a point of 'power' in which I can abdicate self-honesty for the illusion of self-honesty through honesty -- where I can pamper my ego through specific words that make others 'react' -- because I have not investigated my own points and use other people's 'reactions' within 'honesty' as a point of 'power' that presents the 'illusion' of 'balance'.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist within winning and losing, and thus believe that my process is about winning and losing, and thus, comparing other people's processes within mine as a point of wanting to find out if they are as 'deep' as me within my process as I am within mine.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist within the 'personality belief' that I am not 'up there' like others in their processes, thus, make myself appear 'up there' by not communicating or sharing about my process as a direct abdication of what is best for all.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am in competition in my process to become self-realized and to become the integrity of 'common sense' to show to my uncle and others that I do have common sense.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist within/as knowledge and information about how to have common sense, and thus, build up a 'personality' of what I believe and perceive to be common sense and thus 'live out' that 'personality' with no practical application of it's actual meaning.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I don't know what it takes to become 'more than' within my world and reality, and thus, exist within an illusion that process is about becoming 'more than', thus build up a 'personality' that I have transcended my 'ego' self without any practical application of what it takes to birth myself for real in this world and reality.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist within 'anger' as a symbol that this process is 'too much' and that I am not as 'effective enough' like others are in their process. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist within/as competition based on the belief that I am 'not liked' within/as my process by others that are in process of stopping the mind.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist within wanting to be 'liked' by others that are in process, thus, exist within anger because of the belief that I am 'not liked' because of the desire for 'attention' from others to valid me within my process as 'effective'.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire validation from others in my process because of the belief that i am not effective enough, thus use this personality "expression" to create an equilibrium of 'desire' so I can 'feel good' as the 'personality' that is in process instead of me in process.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect a 'form' to being 'more than' thus make myself 'less than' within intelligence. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that the more proportional that a form is, the more intelligent that the person is, thus, exist within competition of trying to make myself 'more than' through and within perfecting everything that I do.
I commit myself to my process -- not from within a personality perspective, but (stopping) the personality to not feed it through and within polarity. When and as I see myself existing within any kind of movements or physical friction that arises through words, I stop, I breathe, and I let go of that relationship that I have entrusted as something that is 'real' and thus believe that I am being 'attacked' by it.
I commit myself to stop all self-blame tactics to make myself 'less than' in order to feel 'more than' through polarity friction that I create by judging form, shape, and color.
I commit myself to stop all polarity friction within 'right' and 'wrong' -- to not trust these polarities to create the integrity of how I exist -- to not trust the 'logic' behind being 'right' and being 'wrong'. I commit myself to stop using self-blame tactics that create the polarity friction within me that I support through comparing my personality with other people's personalities that I see as 'real' -- limiting myself to only seeing what and how I see within ego, and thus, use that ego to abuse me and others.