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Captivated by ‘Sheena’ 1.3

This entry is part 3 of 6 in the series Captivated by Sheena

Binary EyePhysical / Behavior Dimension
Negative Dimension Internal-Changes:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to, when and as seeing 'Jac', I immediately went into an internal personality / behavior change, and an internal experience of a 'cringe' between my stomach and my chest because I accepted and allowed myself to be / become captivated by her pictured-presentation, and so with this personality change, came internal physical changes within me -- as this 'cringe' between my stomach (solar plexus) and chest was a type of nervousness followed by an 'atmospheric' energetic change within me within my upper-body and arms which represent friction and conflict within me of wanting to please 'Jac', but to not arouse any noticeable physical-body movements so that my agreement partner won't know these noticeable changes. I see, realize, and understand within this moment that this 'atmospheric' change within me was a personality change which was met simultaneously with the cringe between my stomach and my chest -- created by my imagination of imagining myself as 'failing' to be / remain the personality of a 'black man' to be able to attract 'Jac'.

Negative Dimension External-Changes:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to -- instead of being self-honest when and as meeting 'Jac', I allowed myself to generate thoughts and imaginations based on memories that I super-imposed onto 'Jac', and when and as I was in a room, I allowed myself to stay near 'Jac' as a point of showing her that I agree with her more than my agreement partner. Me, my agreement partner, and 'Jac' was in a kitchen of some sorts, and looking at the dynamics of the kitchen. I looked at the kitchen with my agreement partner, but decided to stop looking at the kitchen, and move over to 'Jac' as a point of forming a tacit agreement to 'Jac' that my agreement partner is taking too long to look at the kitchen -- creating the back-chat of, "Why is it taking so long for my agreement partner to look at the kitchen? We already looked at it enough...." Within this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that if I move more 'closer' to 'Jac', that I will be agreeing with her that it is taking too long, and that we should leave the particular kitchen -- as this is a point of showing to 'Jac' that I still understand the ways of the black community, and that I still understand her as a 'black woman', and to not forget about that. Within this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a relationship to my own imaginations -- giving them a 'more than' value, and thus to 'move' within that 'more than' value, and not see, realize, and understand that when and as I am communicating with others, I am not communicating with them directly, but that I am communicating with my own consciousness as my memories -- that I have accepted and allowed myself to be and become as the mind.

Consequence Dimension:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist within and as / participate in my own thoughts, imaginations, and back-chats, and when and as participating in my own thoughts, imaginations and back-chats, I accept and allow my thoughts and imaginations to be / become that which I relate to -- believing that I am actually directly relating to the individual on a physical level. So the more that we, as a humanity, participate in our mind within thoughts, imaginations, back-chats, and reactions of emotions and feelings, we are only communicating with our own selves. So what does having a social life mean when we are not even communicating with other people but only ourselves? Within this, I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize that this is how external friction and conflict / wars manifest because it is not that we are having wars with other people, but are in-fact having internal warfare with ourselves that then becomes manifest within the external world / reality. These wars do not have to be from the perspective of a conflict carried on by force of arms, as between nations or between parties within a nation, but this 'warfare' can simply be a desire -- as desiring particular-specific people within this world / reality is in-fact caused by a friction and conflict within oneself -- wherein self doesn't see self equal-to and one with another, and so that other individual is then given a more-than value to -- because of the particular relationships within self with one's own thoughts, imaginations, back-chats and reactions of emotions and feelings that create the 'external desire' as desiring another because of internal friction and conflict relationships within self that self has not stood equal-to and one with and as.

Series Navigation<< Captivated by ‘Sheena’ 1.2: Reaction DimensionCaptivated by ‘Sheena’ 2.1.1: Self-Commitments >>
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